Thursday, October 22, 2009

Lens-Foisters - Our Vison, Your Eyes!

Lens-Foisters. Where the World sees through our eyes!

The Lens-Foisters Difference

Maybe you wonder what sets Lens-Foisters apart from the rest? It's pretty simple, really - our unwavering, never-ending commitment to a narrow point of view and a sense of dissatisfaction with those who see the Bible as actively promoting relationship rather then religion. Our stores are conveniently located in the foyer of your churches, denominational colleges and seminaries.

We now have outlets in house churches and home Bible studies! We have proudly prescribed lenses for the vast majority of todays Christian leaders. We stand ready to cater to your paradigm needs. Whether it's recycled methods of the inquisition or just a simple shunning, our lenses will help you see clearly what must be done. Simply put, we love our power. And we'll do whatever it takes to make sure you become totally dependent on the Lens-Foisters experience from start to finish. Remember our motto is, "Our paradigms never shift!"

How our lens work.

We have spent centuries developing special lens coatings so that no matter what you look at or read while wearing our lenses it all fits into the paradigm we developed hundreds of years ago! You never need to fear a new idea, a lingering doubt or the possibility that you might be wrong about something. With our lenses your views, opinions and beliefs will never be challenged. Just imagine, you can go your whole lifetime and not once have to change your beliefs (well our beliefs)! While wearing our lenses you can be sure that no supernatural entity can influence your thoughts or trouble your mind!

Remember that even though our lenses work best for reading, we also have special coatings that allow you see acts of power mongering and arrogance as "tough love". Those lenses automatically filter out the poor and the needy. They let you focus on the important things such as consolidating power, increasing financial prosperity and building your legacy.

Introducing the incredible iGlasses!

Be sure to check out our exciting new line called iGlasses, these incredible new lenses are directly linked to an internet database in which you can report any deviation to orthodox doctrine that you see, in real time!! For the first time, new agers, emergents, Buddhist sympathizers, grace wasters and universalists can be tracked and reported just by glaring at the offender through these amazing lenses! Not only are the offenders logged into the celestial database but you will get scripture references and appropriately worded denunciations visually displayed on the lenses special heads up display!

But wait, there is more!

If you act today we will also include your very own, imitation gold plated, plastic Doctrine Police Badge! You can be the first on your block to kick down your neighbors doors and demand their heretical belief statements! Imagine the power and authority you will feel as you put people in their places!


This is unbelievable, but wait there is more!!

If you buy a pair within the next 30 days we will automatically include the guilt by association coating! Our system is linked into twitter, facebook and myspace. We have already identified every known heretic and if the person you are viewing through our lenses has ever emailed, messaged, texted, commented or has a friend who is a friend of one of these offenders your lenses will start to glow so that you know that they are eligible for rebuking! You can confidently put your Doctrine Police badge to use with this special coating!

You won't believe this, But wait there is more!

If you act within the hour you will receive our incredibly powerful Gaydar coating!
We know how hard it is, from the upper rows of the third balcony of your megachurch, to spot which member of the worship team is limp wristed or just slightly overly flamboyant. So we have developed this special coating so that such an abomination cannot slip by you! Our testing has made sure we don't confuse the average metrosexual with the true homosexual. When the Gaydar coating is activated it glows pink and displays verses from Leviticus on the advanced heads up display. The soon to be announced Gaydar Nextgen coating will eliminate the false activations caused by pastors who wear pink shirts or female singers who have very short hair due to chemotherapy.

Don't wait, this is a limited time offer. This offer is not valid in Salt Lake City, Mecca or Dallas Theological Seminary.

Of course our real claim to fame is how our lenses filter the Bible. Here are some examples (they work well with all Bible versions, but we find that they are most effective with the King James version):

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 13:35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 13:35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye say ye have superior moral values, and if ye obey some of the laws of Moses some of the time.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Romans 5:18 So then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness there resulted justification of life to all men.
19 For as through the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Romans 5:18 So then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness by Jesus and the acts of billions and billions of acts of people believing, confessing and repenting there resulted justification of life to all men (if at the end of their lives the requests for forgiveness equal or exceed the number of sins committed).

19 For as through the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One and billions and billions of other men and women doing even more billions and billions of acts of believing, receiving and repenting the many will be made righteous (if at the end of their lives the requests for forgiveness equal or exceed the number of sins committed).

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is better off then those who think they are saved by grace.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 7:1 "Judge others or people will think you are hiding something"

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 12:31 Now is the judgment of this world: now shall the prince of this world be cast out.
32 And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me.
33 This he said, signifying what death he should die.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 12: 31 Sometime in the early 21st century is the judgment of this world: Then shall the prince of this world be cast out.
32 And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw a few men unto me.
33 This he said, has nothing to do with the death he should die.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 18:36 Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 18:36 Jesus answered, My kingdom is of this world: since my kingdom is of this world, then so shall my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but the far distant future is my kingdom but not now.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 25:34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 25:34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from when you appeared outwardly to attain high morals:
35 For I was an hungered and ye rebuked the heretics: I was thirsty, and ye stoned the effeminate: I was a stranger, and ye shunned the non-Sabbath observers:
36 In my robe, and ye judged your neighbor: I was sick, and ye called those who love others warm and fuzzy spiritual babies: I was in prison, and ye disciplined your brethren.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Heb 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Heb 8:12 For I will not be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more but I want you to keep a detailed track of them for me and you can do that best by buying and using Lens-Foisters new iGlasses!

So you can clearly see that it would almost be impossible to live a lifestyle of judgment, condemnation and self-righteousness without the Lens-Foisters family of products to protect your paradigm. Call us today, your peace of mind depends on it!

(Thanks to Dena for coining the term Lens-Foisters in her blog)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

It is time for me to confess

I have denied it ever since I was a kid, but I can no longer live like this. At 55 it is time to be open and honest about it. When I became a Christian at age 16, I thought that was the way to deal with this and I prayed hard and tried for 30-some years and then I was just realizing, I am still that way. I know I am. And I just reached a place where I cannot take it anymore — when I was going through all this darkness, I thought, "Just end this."

To be guilty of something that the Bible calls an abomination 4 times in 3 consecutive verses surely must make me the worst of the worse. I really don't know if I was born this way or perhaps something just makes me choose this thing. Maybe it is rooted in some need to rebel against God.

If people really knew who I was, that what I have done is an abomination, I would never be accepted.

Even though I rarely engage in it (I mostly try to tamp down the desire), I know in my heart what I really am. It is like I have two identities, one which people see and find acceptable and one which is a terrible abomination before the God who never changes, the one who says that not one jot or title shall pass from the law until all is fulfilled.

Despite being happily married for over 30 years and having children and grandchildren there were occasions in which I faltered. I thought I hid it well. I didn’t know people could see what I was going through, the darkness and the struggle. After I confessed my abomination to my family, my daughter said she was afraid to walk in my bedroom or kitchen because she was afraid she’d find me — that I’d done something to myself. And I didn’t even know they’d picked it up.

My family’s reaction took time, but the bottom line was they loved me and they still love me … it’s been an amazing journey of acceptance on their part … I was offered support and love from each member of my family, including my wife.

So now I must confess not only to my family but to all, all those who have read my blog posts and thought I was a citizen in good standing in the Kingdom of God. Though I may be an abomination in God's sight I pray for your forgiveness and understanding.

I am guilty of a quadruple abomination. Leviticus 11:10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.

12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

I admit it! I love lobster and crab and clams and oysters. I have even eaten sea urchin! I have dined at the temple of the Red Lobster (more then once)!

I am guilty of the sin that has two more abominations in Leviticus then even homosexuality! Oh that my sin were just one abomination less! Perhaps then I could find some minor role to fulfill in religion.

If only something has changed between God and man. If only we were not bound to law, if only there was such a thing as a new covenant or grace! If only the law had been fulfilled!

Luke 24:44 And he said unto them, These are the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and in the prophets, and in the psalms, concerning me.

O joy of joys, the law of Moses is fulfilled! There is a new covenant, the old is passed away. Pass the butter and let the shell cracking commence!

John 13:34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

After we have mastered loving one another perhaps we will have time to worry about lesser things. Lets give it a couple hundred years or so first though.


Ashley L - Those who defend, promote and live the lobster eating lifestyles have exchanged the truth of God for a lie. Many claim it's genetic or natural, so they expect others to accept this "alternative" lifestyle. But the truth is that God calls lobster eating sin, and with his help you always have a choice of whether or not to live in your sin

Angel H - God's rules are black and white. There is no gray area. My heart breaks for you, and you will be in my continuous prayers.

George T - Of course God loves the lobster eater that is not the question or the issue at hand. The issue is, is lobster eating behavior a sin? According to the Bible it is a sin. The lobster eater must also apply biblical truth to his life and remain pure and not eat lobster- according to the Bible. These are God's standards and not ours. We don't make the "rules", we just apply them to our lives. It is arrogant to thing we know better than a loving AND just God.

Sandra R - I have been listening to you since I was a young girl. You are an incredibly talented man. I'm sad to hear about how you struggled with lobster eating for so long. I love you, but I don't love your lobster eating lifestyle-the Bible clearly states lobster eating is a sin. I can't judge you, NONE of us can-we all deal with sinful urges on a daily basis. The best I could do is lift you up in prayer. Please cancel our buffet plans for next Sunday with your family.

Special thanks to Christianity Today for its article on Ray Boltz.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Grace Debate

The Sneetches, by Dr. Seuss

Now, the Star-Bell Sneetches had bellies with stars.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches had none upon thars.
Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small.
You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.

But, because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches.”
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“We’ll have nothing to do with the Plain-Belly sort!”
And, whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
They’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Belly children went out to play ball,
Could a Plain Belly get in the game? Not at all.
You only could play if your bellies had stars
And the Plain-Belly children had none upon thars.

When the Star Belly Sneetches had frankfurter roasts
Or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts,
They never invited the Plain-Belly Sneetches
They left them out cold, in the dark of the beaches.
They kept them away. Never let them come near.
And that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then ONE day, it seems while the Plain-Belly Sneetches
Were moping and doping alone on the beaches,
Just sitting there wishing their bellies had stars,
A stranger zipped up in the strangest of cars!

“My friends”, he announced in a voice clear and clean,
“My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
And I’ve heard of Your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy.
But I can fix that, I’m the Fix-It-Up Chappie.

I’ve come here to help you.
I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work with great speed.
And my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed!”

Then, quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean
Put together a very peculiar machine.
And he said, “You want stars like a Star-Belly Sneetch?
My friends, you can have them for three dollars each!”

“Just pay me your money and hop right aboard!”
So they clambered inside. Then the big machine roared.
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked.
And it bopped them about. But the thing really worked!
When the Plain-Belly Sneetches popped out, they had stars!
They actually did. They had stars upon thars!

Then they yelled at the ones who had stars at the start,
“We’re still the best Sneetches and they are the worst.
But now, how in the world will we know”, they all frowned,
“If which kind is what, or the other way round?”

Then up came McBean with a very sly wink.
And he said, “Things are not quite as bad as you think.
So you don’t know who’s who. That is perfectly true.
But come with me, friends. Do you know what I’ll do?
I’ll make you, again, the best Sneetches on the beaches.
And all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches.”

“Belly stars are no longer in style”, said McBean.
“What you need is a trip through my Star-Off Machine.
This wondrous contraption will take OFF your stars
so you won’t look like Sneetches that have them on thars.”
And that handy machine working very precisely
Removed all the stars from their tummies quite nicely.

Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about.
And they opened their beaks and they let out a shout,
“We know who is who! Now there Isn’t a doubt.
The best kind of Sneetches are Sneetches without!”

Then, of course, those with stars got all frightfully mad.
To be wearing a star was frightfully bad.
Then, of course, old Sylvester McMonkey McBean
invited THEM into his Star-Off Machine.

Then, of course from THEN on, as you probably guess,
Things really got into a horrible mess.

All the rest of that day, on those wild screaming beaches,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie kept fixing up Sneetches.
Off again! On again! In again! Out again!
Through the machines they raced round and about again,

Changing their stars every minute or two. They kept paying money.
They kept running through until the Plain nor the Star-Bellies knew
Whether this one was that one or that one was this one. Or which one
Was what one or what one was who.

Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie packed up. And he went.
And he laughed as he drove In his car up the beach,
“They never will learn. No. You can’t Teach a Sneetch!”

But McBean was quite wrong. I’m quite happy to say.
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day.
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches.
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars and whether
They had one, or not, upon thars.

There are currently over 40,000 "Christian" denominations, each of which lay claim to the right way, the real truth, the included ones, the true "church". I pray that someday we will learn that is far more about what our Father, Son and Spirit believe about us rather then what we believe about them that determines our inclusion into their embrace. Perhaps then we will become as enlightened as Sneetches, perhaps then I would not be judged as emergent or new age simply because I used the word "enlightened".

Monday, October 12, 2009

Cracked Pots

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole that she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

The Lesson to Learn?!
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. May we try to show just a little of the grace we have been given with others that cross our paths.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Source of Harmony

I thought this was interesting. Remember Bobby McFerrin of "Don't Worry Be Happy" fame? Seems like there is a universal commonality to a song within us. I think it comes from the One who made us.

World Science Festival 2009: Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale from World Science Festival on Vimeo.