Thursday, October 22, 2009

Lens-Foisters - Our Vison, Your Eyes!


Lens-Foisters. Where the World sees through our eyes!

The Lens-Foisters Difference


Maybe you wonder what sets Lens-Foisters apart from the rest? It's pretty simple, really - our unwavering, never-ending commitment to a narrow point of view and a sense of dissatisfaction with those who see the Bible as actively promoting relationship rather then religion. Our stores are conveniently located in the foyer of your churches, denominational colleges and seminaries.

We now have outlets in house churches and home Bible studies! We have proudly prescribed lenses for the vast majority of todays Christian leaders. We stand ready to cater to your paradigm needs. Whether it's recycled methods of the inquisition or just a simple shunning, our lenses will help you see clearly what must be done. Simply put, we love our power. And we'll do whatever it takes to make sure you become totally dependent on the Lens-Foisters experience from start to finish. Remember our motto is, "Our paradigms never shift!"

How our lens work.

We have spent centuries developing special lens coatings so that no matter what you look at or read while wearing our lenses it all fits into the paradigm we developed hundreds of years ago! You never need to fear a new idea, a lingering doubt or the possibility that you might be wrong about something. With our lenses your views, opinions and beliefs will never be challenged. Just imagine, you can go your whole lifetime and not once have to change your beliefs (well our beliefs)! While wearing our lenses you can be sure that no supernatural entity can influence your thoughts or trouble your mind!

Remember that even though our lenses work best for reading, we also have special coatings that allow you see acts of power mongering and arrogance as "tough love". Those lenses automatically filter out the poor and the needy. They let you focus on the important things such as consolidating power, increasing financial prosperity and building your legacy.

Introducing the incredible iGlasses!

Be sure to check out our exciting new line called iGlasses, these incredible new lenses are directly linked to an internet database in which you can report any deviation to orthodox doctrine that you see, in real time!! For the first time, new agers, emergents, Buddhist sympathizers, grace wasters and universalists can be tracked and reported just by glaring at the offender through these amazing lenses! Not only are the offenders logged into the celestial database but you will get scripture references and appropriately worded denunciations visually displayed on the lenses special heads up display!

But wait, there is more!

If you act today we will also include your very own, imitation gold plated, plastic Doctrine Police Badge! You can be the first on your block to kick down your neighbors doors and demand their heretical belief statements! Imagine the power and authority you will feel as you put people in their places!

badge


This is unbelievable, but wait there is more!!


If you buy a pair within the next 30 days we will automatically include the guilt by association coating! Our system is linked into twitter, facebook and myspace. We have already identified every known heretic and if the person you are viewing through our lenses has ever emailed, messaged, texted, commented or has a friend who is a friend of one of these offenders your lenses will start to glow so that you know that they are eligible for rebuking! You can confidently put your Doctrine Police badge to use with this special coating!

You won't believe this, But wait there is more!


If you act within the hour you will receive our incredibly powerful Gaydar coating!
We know how hard it is, from the upper rows of the third balcony of your megachurch, to spot which member of the worship team is limp wristed or just slightly overly flamboyant. So we have developed this special coating so that such an abomination cannot slip by you! Our testing has made sure we don't confuse the average metrosexual with the true homosexual. When the Gaydar coating is activated it glows pink and displays verses from Leviticus on the advanced heads up display. The soon to be announced Gaydar Nextgen coating will eliminate the false activations caused by pastors who wear pink shirts or female singers who have very short hair due to chemotherapy.

Don't wait, this is a limited time offer. This offer is not valid in Salt Lake City, Mecca or Dallas Theological Seminary.

Of course our real claim to fame is how our lenses filter the Bible. Here are some examples (they work well with all Bible versions, but we find that they are most effective with the King James version):

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 13:35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 13:35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye say ye have superior moral values, and if ye obey some of the laws of Moses some of the time.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Romans 5:18 So then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness there resulted justification of life to all men.
19 For as through the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Romans 5:18 So then as through one transgression there resulted condemnation to all men, even so through one act of righteousness by Jesus and the acts of billions and billions of acts of people believing, confessing and repenting there resulted justification of life to all men (if at the end of their lives the requests for forgiveness equal or exceed the number of sins committed).

19 For as through the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One and billions and billions of other men and women doing even more billions and billions of acts of believing, receiving and repenting the many will be made righteous (if at the end of their lives the requests for forgiveness equal or exceed the number of sins committed).

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
James 2:10 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is better off then those who think they are saved by grace.


Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 7:1 "Judge others or people will think you are hiding something"


Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 12:31 Now is the judgment of this world: now shall the prince of this world be cast out.
32 And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me.
33 This he said, signifying what death he should die.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 12: 31 Sometime in the early 21st century is the judgment of this world: Then shall the prince of this world be cast out.
32 And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw a few men unto me.
33 This he said, has nothing to do with the death he should die.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 18:36 Jesus answered, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but now is my kingdom not from hence.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
John 18:36 Jesus answered, My kingdom is of this world: since my kingdom is of this world, then so shall my servants fight, that I should not be delivered to the Jews: but someday..in the far distant future is my kingdom but not now.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 25:34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Matt 25:34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from when you appeared outwardly to attain high morals:
35 For I was an hungered and ye rebuked the heretics: I was thirsty, and ye stoned the effeminate: I was a stranger, and ye shunned the non-Sabbath observers:
36 In my robe, and ye judged your neighbor: I was sick, and ye called those who love others warm and fuzzy spiritual babies: I was in prison, and ye disciplined your brethren.

Without Lens-Foister Lenses:
Heb 8:12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.

With Lens-Foister Lenses:
Heb 8:12 For I will not be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more but I want you to keep a detailed track of them for me and you can do that best by buying and using Lens-Foisters new iGlasses!


So you can clearly see that it would almost be impossible to live a lifestyle of judgment, condemnation and self-righteousness without the Lens-Foisters family of products to protect your paradigm. Call us today, your peace of mind depends on it!

(Thanks to Dena for coining the term Lens-Foisters in her blog)
http://shalomdena.blogspot.com/

2 comments:

  1. Wait a sec - let me catch my breath!!! Sheesh, Bob, you went and outdid yourself...! This is stinkin' hysterical, and SO uncannily apt! I run into this ego-mentality so often that I had to keep remembering that this was hyperbole...! Hoooooooo-boy, this is a keeper!

    Here's the good news: and as such were some of you -- yes, I was IN that mentality, and if *I* can get busted out, so can ANYone...! Jesus came to set the captives free, and nothing enslaves us more than the sanctified lies we believe!

    Keep up the liberating exposes, Bob...!

    Shalom, Dena

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good stuff.....truth is actually funny to a degree...

    ReplyDelete

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