Monday, March 30, 2009

Clerics Stunned, All printed Bibles Vanish!

Pastors, ministers and priests worldwide have reported what seems to be the simultaneious global dissappearance of every single Bible. When first noticed by Papel staffers they assumed it was just some sort of Prostestant prank, but it soon became apparent that the disappearance was global in nature. It appears that Voltaire was right, he predicted, "Another century and there will not be a Bible on earth!"

Suspicion quickly fell upon the ACLU who have longed sought to ban the Bible from schools and other public venues. ACLU president Susan Herman said, "Since that books dissaperance our donations have dropped off sharply, this is getting serious."

Donald Waite is pastor of Bible For Today, an Independent Baptist Church in Collingswood, New Jersey, a leading spokesman for the authority of the King James Version of the Bible. Waite is the author of numerous books explaining that the King James Version has been, and continues to be, the only accurate English translation of the inspired, inerrant, infallible, and preserved original Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek Words of God for the English-speaking people. Waite remarked, "Whateth I don'teth understandeth is whyeth Eugene Peterson's "The Message" is also missingeth?"

Critics of the popular novel "The Shack" (over 7 million copies in print) by Paul Young have quickly mounted a massive public awareness campaign to ensure that parishoners will not substitute the novel for "Gods Word". Michael Youssef, a leading critic of "The Shack" says, "The Bible is God-breathed. Sure, there were many men through 1,800 years who put pen to paper (so to speak), each from different professions and different backgrounds, but the Holy Spirit infused their work with God's words."

Popular on-line Bible resources like and are no longer available. Many religious and theological based online discussion forums have reported that useage is down over 50%. Forum members count heavily on cutting and pasting from online Bibles in a method of debate called "proof texting". Bible publishers had hoped to quickly reverse "cut and paste" from forums in order to reprint most versions but even these fragmented "proof texts" have been deleted. While member participation is significantly down, forum administrators report it has allowed remaining participants to have discussions without so much argument.

Many Christians believed the Bible to be the Word of God. Its disappearance has led to a crisis of faith for them. "We have had the proverbial rug pulled out from under us", said members of the Open Bible Church in Portland, Oregon. "If we don't have the Word of God how are we supposed to know what to do?" one anonymous "believer" remarked. While they seem to give some credence to experience based revelation, they feel that it would lead to confusion and division within the global "body" of the Church. One opinionated member stated, "Who knows what people would come up with if people could just believe whatever they thought God told them!"

Researching through internet blogs this reporter found a somewhat alternative view. There are some who saw the Bible as written, inspired, words about God but espouse that people can know and get guidance from the Spirit of Jesus who they claim "indwells" them. These independent followers say that the Bible did not say that "in the beginning was the word and the word became Book." They see Gods Word as a Person, Jesus.

Messers Gulley and James Mulholland said in their book,If Grace is True, said "I used to believe the Bible was the ultimate source of authority. In so doing, I elevated the Scripture to a status equal with God. It eventually occurred to me that my ultimate allegiance belonged, not to the Bible, but to the One of whom it testified. When I lifted up the Bible as my ultimate authority, I made my leather-bound, gold-engraved Bible into a paper calf."

Darrin Hufford,from a web site called "" said this, "I believe that just as the Israelites prostituted themselves after the golden Ephod, modern day Christians do the exact same with the Bible. We have prostituted ourselves after the Bible and there is no doubt in my mind that it has become a thorn and a snare to almost every Christian in America. In fact I think many Christians have actually traded God for the Bible. Many others have even come to the point where they think God IS the Bible!"

Jacques Ellul (1912–1994) was a French philosopher, Law professor, sociologist and theologian said this, "We are not to make the Torah into God Himself, nor the Bible into a "paper pope." The Bible is only the result of the Word of God. We can experience the return of the Word of God in the here and now, the perpetual return of the actual, living, indisputable Word of God [Jesus], we should never think of the Bible as any sort of talisman or oracle constantly at our disposal that we need only open and read to be in relation to the Word of God [Jesus] and God Himself.

Bible publishers, televangelists and many fundamentalist groups are reportedly seeking "stimulus" support as a result of lost revenues.

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